


i didn't know i was broken until i wanted to change

by folieadude



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: M/M, i was gonna put the other but like?? they're hardly in it??, soulmate aus
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-12
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-23 17:39:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9669176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/folieadude/pseuds/folieadude
Summary: bodhi had stopped caring about seeing colors, until he met cassian.





	1. Chapter 1

colors had never been a priority for cassian, even when he was a child that only lived on hope. even when he was a child that somehow through all of the odds was the last person standing from his family, he never hoped for a soulmate or a love like his mothers and fathers. he only hoped to survive and not to lose himself in his work, but as the years went on he found himself failing at the second part. 

some nights when he would stare at the ceiling and allow himself to feel hope, he wondered if his soulmate would even want a person like him. a person who had killed and done things that kept him up at night and covered it with the name of the rebellion. who would want that? who would want that scrap of a man? 

he wasn’t sure who would, and he was certainly oblivious to the fact that it would be a person who was as kind and caring as bodhi rook.

colors had been a priority for bodhi rook when he was young, but only then. only when he was a twelve year old, surrounded by love and people who said that they could see all of the colors. only when he lived in a home with a mother and a father, and a sister who loved and protected him fiercely. 

after the empire came and his father was killed, colors became less important (to him and his mother.) surviving was more important than some overrated rainbow that he might never see.

“how did poppa die?” he would ask after long days of working and school, voice soft and eyes tired.

“oh my dear,” his would slide her hand to his shoulder and flash him a soft smile “that is a story for another time.”

yea, fuck the rainbow.   
-  
bodhi ached to leave the empire, because he knew that even if he could see colors it would still be gray. gray, and dull, and boring, and not to mention so wrong that it settled into his core. so wrong that his sister no longer talked to him, so wrong that his mother looked at him disdainfully when he visited home, knowing he had to do what he could to survive but saddened that it was joining the force that tore their city apart. 

bodhi didn’t like it either, but overtime he grew numb to it. saying things like “this is how my baby sister get her meals, it’s okay” but deep down he knew it wasn’t. deep down he knew there was a rebellion demanding to be fought. 

cassian andor did not demand to fight, he just did. every bit of him was the rebellion, from the tired slump of shoulders to the ever present scalding anger in his veins. cassian andor did not demand to fight, he was the fight.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bodhi and cassian actually meet in this one,,, wowie

bodhi was over the moon when galen erso told him there was a way out. maybe it’s because when he defected he wouldn’t have to witness his sister sneering at the things he said, or watch his mother give him a tight lipped smile and fumble over the subject when he brought up his work, or think during particularly long flights about how he was working for the same political force that killed his childhood. 

“you can make things right” galen whispered to him, pressing the small piece of metal into his hands. it was strange, but bodhi felt good. galen was the closest thing bodhi had to a friend, and he was glad that he’d trusted him with this. 

but he was far from glad now, walking in unforgiving and unrelenting sands with a rough sack of burlap over his head. but he was doing something for a power bigger than him, so despite the fact he was not happy he was content with himself (for the first time in a while.)   
-  
cassian andor had never been one to look for a way out, but now in this cell it was mandatory he do so. the monk and his protector (friend? partner?) were sat behind him, the monk (he thinks he remembers his name being chirrut) mumbling something that was starting to sound like gibberish. his words were running together like day and night and cassian only wished that for one second he would just be quiet. 

“what’s this?” the monks follower asked, looking into the rock wall cell next to them, “an imperial pilot?” cassians head perked up at that, because even though being trapped in a cell by saw gerreras rebels was probably a part of the plan somewhere down the line, today had been nothing but disaster after disaster. 

cassian hurried over to the small window between the cells, pushing the other mane (baze?) out of the way and wrapping his fingers around the metal bars. 

“hey, are you the pilot?” the boy jostled, and he was clearly not in his right mind. his eyes stayed fixated on the wall in front of him as his mouth remained open, no words coming out. 

“galen erso, does that name ring a bell?” . 

“pilot,” he whispered, making it sound like a sacred word, “pilot, i’m the pilot!” the pilots eyes brightened and cassian (barely) smiled, but it was quickly gone once their eyes met. cassian saw something, saw that the room around him wasn’t gray but a muted neutral less black hue, and he saw the bars he was holding weren’t only black but also had a riot of vivid and brash colors mixing to it, and not to mention the big round eyes staring at him were warm and neutral and inviting and truly the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. 

is this what seeing in color feels like? 

he didn’t have time to ponder it as the ceiling above him started to crumble.  
-  
bodhi rook was sat in the back of the ship, his hands playing with the strap of the goggles he forgot he was wearing. he thought that color was beautiful, but not when it was a mess of explosives and brash ugly things that ripped the life from his family.

“i’m sorry about your home.” cassian said, drawing bodhis gaze from his own (rather dark, now that he could see it) hands to the captains face. cassian settled down next to him, turning to face bodhi with his humble eyes and sorry expression.

“it’s uh, it’s okay.” they were quiet for a moment, cassians hands remaining still in his lap but his eyes going everywhere. 

“no it’s not.” 

“yea, it really isn’t.” cassian offered him a tight lipped smile to which bodhi reached for his hand. the skin on his palm was rough, similar to his mothers. 

are we not going to talk about this, he wondered, you’re the person that i’ve been suppressing and trying to forget since i was twelve, are we not going to talk about this? 

“how long has it been since you’ve slept, pilot?” bodhi flinched at the nickname, his deep guilt now fighting to resurface. 

“please don’t call me that, bodhi is fine.” 

“okay, how long has it been since you’ve slept, bodhi?” 

“a few days.” cassians warm eyes widened, mouth open and about to protest, “it’s okay, i’m okay, really! please, i’ll be fine i just... i can’t really sleep and-” 

“it’s okay! you don’t need to sleep if you don’t want to.” cassian said in an attempt to cut off bodhis rambling. he moved his hand to caress the boys cheek and wondered how he hardly knew this boy but still cared so much for him. 

“okay.” bodhi whispered, a ‘please stay’ loitering on the tip of his tongue. 

he didn’t need to say it, cassian stayed without prompting. or maybe the prompting was bodhi nestled into his side and looking up at him through a jungle of eyelashes.   
-  
the sky on eadu was a cool toned color with the black that cassian knew all too well rippling through it. when they had left the ship cassian had been focused, set on this mission and what it could mean for the rebellion. but as the time went on and he continued to ogle over the frail pilot walking next to him, his focus started to dwindle.

“there, that’s him! that’s galen, in the gray suit!”

“he was your friend, wasn’t he?” cassian asked, setting down the binoculars and noting how stunning bodhi looked with the raindrops of eadu collecting in his hair and streaking his face. bodhi nodded and offered cassian a warm smile, one almost as warm as the color that pooled endlessly in his eyes.

“you’re going to kill him, aren’t you? for the rebellion?” cassian remained still, scared of what this boy, his soulmate, might think of him. that he was a coward? willing to do whatever the rebellion told him? “it’s okay if you are, galen is my friend but i understand. orders are orders. you do what you have to do.” 

“thank you for understanding.” cassian said through a sharp exhale. 

“it’s nothing.” bodhi said with a shrug, reaching out to wipe a raindrop from the side of cassians face, “i guess i should join the others?” and with nothing but a slight nod, bodhi was gone. 

cassians one thought as he stretched to the spot that bodhi was previously occupying was how in the world am i made for someone that kind and forgiving?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me writing fanfiction: *focused, 112% positive that this needs to be the best thing i've ever written*   
> me writing school things: lol i'll just bullshit it and do the night before


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's bout to get Angsty(TM)

bodhi rook was near positive that a shower would never be able to wash off all of the grime that he’d collected over the past few days, and it certainly wouldn't be able to wash away the guilt. he didn’t know how long he’d been in there, maybe minutes, maybe hours, he wasn’t sure by now.

when he finally did get out of the shower he noticed the imperial flight suit sat on the edge of the sink, clean and folded. he thanked the force that cassian hadn’t burned it and slipped into it, not having to think twice. the cotton fabric of it was still scratchy on his skin, and he still thought the blue grey color washed him out, but it was something familiar. something a little a bit like home. (he had never considered the empire home, but this suit had been to jedha. his mother had hugged it.)

once bodhi had gathered his towels and bunched his hair into it’s usual ponytail he left the bathroom, only to find cassian stretched out on his bed, staring at the ceiling. 

“what are you looking for?” bodhi asked, settling down next to him as he spoke. cassian laughed a little and faced the other man with his coffee eyes and street vendor smile. 

“nothing in particular.”he rasped, reaching his hand out to touch bodhis cheek, which caused a blush to arise on them. 

“what do you want to look for?” the word you rested on the tip of cassians tongue, but he quickly swallowed it down. 

“colors.” bodhi smiled a little bit, falling more and more in love with cassian every second. 

“yeah, me too.” cassians fingers moved from bodhis cheeks to his jaw, then down to his neck, and then to his shoulders. he felt perfect, like a temple made to be worshiped. 

it was growing harder for bodhi to breathe. he wasn’t used to attention, especially not in this kind of way, but he liked it. it made him feel wanted, for the first time in a long time.

without thinking bodhi closed the space between them, pressing a feather light kiss to cassians lips (they were rough, but bodhi didn’t mind too much because they were cassians.) their kiss wasn't an explosion, it was much too calm for that, it was like a creek. gentle and quiet.

“if that’s what kissing your soulmate feels like then it's all i want to do for the rest of my life.” cassian said once they parted. bodhi only smiled and moved to kiss him again. 

-

bodhi rook was never one to ponder death, contrary to cassian. bodhi didn’t like to think of it and he rarely did, even when he was in the empire. even when he was defecting. even when he was tortured. even when he was flying a ship straight towards his judgement day.

everyone was saying their heartfelt goodbyes, and jyn and cassian had the decency to stop bickering for the moment. bodhi watched as baze held chirrut in his arms, his face pressed into the monks neck and hands wobbling ever so slightly. bodhi thought that they were sweet, and he wondered if they could see colors as well.

“bodhi!” a voice snapped him from his thoughts, a voice that he quickly recognized to be cassians. 

“yes?” he responded, looking over to him. 

maybe this isn’t a good idea, he thought, i might cry looking at him. 

“i just, i um- wanted to say goodbye. in case we didn’t make it,you know.” bodhi offered small smile and gripped the other boys hands. 

“we can make it, you can make it for sure. and when we do i can kiss you for the rest of my life, a-and we can get married, and i just,” he looked down at their hands, tangled together hopelessly, “i really think that we won’t die. at least i really hope that we won’t die.” 

-

bodhi was regretting the last words he had said to cassian, because as the grenade landed in his ship and time stilled it became evident that he was not going to survive this mission.

he tried to make his last thought about the rebellion, about how galen erso, and saw gerrera, and now bodhi rook had given their lives for this cause. about how he defected, and about how he felt braver in this moment than he ever had before, but his only thoughts were of coffee eyes and rough lips on his own. he remembered nothing but colors, his own dark hands grasping lighter ones that were more rough around the edges, and a boy that he wanted to kiss for the rest of his life. 

thank you, cassian.

with that thought, he was gone.

**Author's Note:**

> this is probably gonna be an emo mess so,, sorry ahead of time for my an


End file.
